The last Blog for this year 2012 will be written in English.
It feels more natural for me to write it that way right now. This will draw a
line under a really crappy year.
I had so many dreams and hopes for this year however nothing
became reality. I started the year with good hopes and total excitement over my
pregnancy. But this great feeling did not last long and the nightmare started
already in mid Jan when I encountered bleeding. Over weeks seeing Doctors,
having scans, and strange diagnosis had put me in a bad state. This was only
topped by the news that my so loved and wished for baby had still no heart beat
in the 7th week and that I should abort. Thanks good I trusted my
instinct and asked for another scan. And yes there was the heart beat! I can’t describe
to you the feelings I had, the idea that I could have killed my baby. But all
hoping and praying did not make my dream happen. The nightmare went on and I
have lost my little Baby in the second week of February. I cannot find words
what it did to me. There is the deep wound that feels like never healing. Just
now I’m sitting here thinking how excited we were one year ago, how we told our
family the good News, but nothing of this is left. On Christmas in the church I
saw all these little people, happy families and the thought that we wanted to
spend Christmas with my Family and the baby and deep sadness overcame me. I had
so many moments like this over the years. A Baby of someone that I know was
born on the due date of mine, at this day my heart nearly fell apart. All
people telling you to move and yes I do but I just can’t help to think about
how I hoped my life would be like.
My 2012 started of bad and went on like this. Once again Eye
problems and the risk that I’m losing my
eye sight is getting higher. Also reason
why I might feel that life is to pressures to be wasted with all this negative
and daunting things.
I had the plan to
finish the PhD. This did not happen! One drama followed the next one und all my
efforts, time and money I have spent to getting it finished went straight into
the bin. Now 2013 is approaching and I have to go back to square one, writing a
new Lit. Review and doing lots of annoying corrections. I’m just exhausted and
do not really want to do this anymore. However I’m too far in to give up now,
at least that is what everyone is telling me. Things have an expire date and
this PhD is long past it. Now I’m looking around me, seeing everyone finishing
up and moving on with their lives while I’m still stuck. It hurts, frustrates and
makes me wonder if I should have ever started this PhD. Yes I have learned
heaps of things and all the things I have experiences on my journey made me to
the person I’m now, however it feel like I maybe can’t live up to the task.
Time will tell I guess. All I know right now is that I’m over it.
My job hunt for the last three months of this year has been similarly
traumatic. People are wondering why I’m often so pessimistic. Life teaches me again and again that it just throws
stones at me and my task is to get up again. I have put so much effort into the
application process and spend so much time on it: my dream job. And it paid off,
at least at first. Got a verbal job offer, was invited to participate already
in workshops etc. But my intuition was right just by the end of November, while
I was waiting to get the contract send and after I have made arrangements to
take up employment, I have been told that the position will not be filled right
now since other things in the project were more pressing. The most stupid thing
I have ever heard in such a situation was : “ I think it is not too bad for you
anyways since you have still plenty of projects..... we will come back to you
at a later times then..... I’m glad you are taking it that well...... Merry
Christmas then!” What should I say? Was
this rude? Yes I think so. Was this my fault? No. However it scratched on my self-confidence
and made me wonder again why people do things like this to me. Some of you have
said that things like this just happen. And yes I agree. Nevertheless I’m just
always the one that never get anything easy. New Year new project!! Let’s hope that 2013
will give me a new chance and that the universe simply had something else for
me in mind.
So many things just have been majorly annoying and disappointing
that I cannot even write about all of them. But there have been plenty, as for
example that I had been made redundant in one of my jobs without even being notified,
that I have gained so much weight, that it looks like I will never have a child
on my own without significant help, that people that I love and that mean
something to me moved away and that my relationship is affected by all this
crap that happens in my life.
2012 also the year that my best friend turned out to be a
selfish idiot. In the moment that I needed him most he turned out to be self-centred
and heartless, something that came rather surprising for me and something that
I’m angry and sad about. But the old saying that friends come and go seems to
be right then. Time will tell what will ever happen. I’m glad that I have some
people near me that are there for me.
So many people seemed to have had a shit year. Loved ones
passed away, problems all around, and serious health issues. 2012 it felt like
I was living in a mad house. Wherever I have turned, negative and sad feelings
and drama. I just think that this was a particularly hard year for everyone that
I know. Maybe some strange star consternation mad this happen?
How must it feel like to lose your Husband and Partner I cannot
imagine? Having your Parents really sick and not being able to be there must be
even harder than all my little problems. Being diagnosed with a severe illness
that changes your life forever had become reality for one of my good friends. Well it seems like we all need to deal with
life as it comes to us.
Now you all might think that I’m in a really dark place but
hey, some good things happened too, things that keep me going. So many babies
have been born around me! And little Max is still the sunshine of my life. Some
people surprised me with their support and love and I felt aroha so many times.
My garden is taking shape and I’m proud of what I have achieved! The Red Carpet
for the Hobbit was so much fun and reminded me of the good of days as a crazy
fan. The Symposium in Trier showed me that there are good thoughts in my PhD
and that my framework is more up to date than ever. It was the first time that
I had the feeling that people really understood what I was talking about and
that my knowledge was valued.
And finally I have made it back home to Germany. It has been
a long time: over four years. It felt nice having this deep feeling of connectedness
with a place again. For some of the people that I met it felt like I have never
been away. A feeling that was just great. Snow and ice greeted us on arrival
and my heart jumped of joy.
So what is there to wish for 2013?
Not much to be honest. 2013 can only get better!!!! Let this
crap year end and bring on something new and fresh that is full of excitement,
love and happiness!!!!
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